Disclaimer: This post is entirely in good fun. You should, as always, do what is best for you and your family.
#1: DO NOT volunteer in the preschool classroom
Listen up, average mama. If you want to be average, you must never volunteer at your kid’s preschool. You can give money. You can donate the hand soaps and boxes of tissues and whatever else you want. But you may not spend a half day doing crafts with the little ones at miniature-sized tables.
#2: DO give your 9 month old a Cheeto a day.
You don’t have to do Cheetos, per se. You can give whatever processed food you’d like. But yeah…when your baby sees everyone else getting down on Cheetos or a powdered sugar donut, go ahead, give that kid a bite! What doesn’t kill ‘em makes ‘em stronger, I always say.
#3: DO NOT do school drop off and pick up
Let’s head back to the preschool topic for a sec. Average moms can’t be bothered with things like taking their kids to school. That’s what Grandma is for! Sure, head over to the school for events, maybe show up for a pick up once in a blue moon…but let’s save that every day thing for the great moms!
#4: DO take the monthly baby pictures late.
I totally do the right thing here and buy those stickers for each month of baby’s first year. I even post the picture to Facebook! I’m starting to look like a good mom here though, right? Don’t worry! Average moms take the pictures…when the kid is days away from the next month milestone. I’m pretty sure I took and posted Mav’s 7 month picture like 2 days before he was 8 months.
#5: DO NOT attend or host friend birthday parties
Ok, so…I get that one day we’ll have to pony up and allow Harlyn and Maverick the amazing friend birthday party. But for now, a birthday party with some decorations, a cake, and grandparents is totally legit. So I’m totally not going to drive myself insane planning some Pinterest-worthy party. Also…to be completely average on this one, you won’t RSVP yes to any of the many invites that come home from school. Because that would mean you’d have to GO to the party. And be social. And alert your kid to the fact that these types of parties even exist. Again…grandparents and a homemade cake, people. That’s all a four year old needs.
#6: DO NOT sign babies, toddlers, and preschoolers up for extra-curriculars.
Again, at some point, we’ll be doing this. So why do I have to start so early? We have the next 14 years to do sports and ballet and gymnastics and girl/boy scouts. I’m putting my foot down. Average moms ask their kids once, when said kids are distracted by watching Moana, if they’d like to play soccer or take ballet. If they don’t immediately die of excitement, we can table that discussion for now. Maybe for a couple years.
#7: DO NOT fill out the baby book
By all means, HAVE the baby book. Throw some dates in there…maybe glue some cute pics in if you’re feeling really ambitious. But then a month before your child’s FOURTH birthday, grab that baby book and realize the stupid thing is way more empty than it should be after so. many. years. And for your second kid (and so on)? Well….if you even write the baby’s name in there at all, I’ll give you credit.
#8: DO buy your baby food
When Harlyn reached the magical age of 6 months, we started making baby food. And honestly, it’s not like it was that hard or time consuming, but it did take planning. And average moms can’t be concerned with meal prep for infants. So…buy the baby food. Just do it. It feels so good! We made Mav one batch of sweet potatoes, and that was the end of that for Baby #2. We now take the easier road and reach for the jar (okay, it’s a plastic container).
So there you have it. If you follow these easy rules, you can join the #averagemom club. Don’t worry-you’ll never even look back!